Sunday, 11 December 2011


IKEA, Swedish for obnoxious font, dropped the largest box of furniture ever created alongside the queensway this week. Wow. What an eyesore. The corporate machine that is IKEA is claiming this opening to be the largest IKEA in Canada. I'm not sure if that was meant to mean the word IKEA written on the side of the building, which can be seen from orbiting spacecraft, or the store itself. When WalMart opened on Innes rd. in Orleans, I can remember community groups rallying to decrease the size of the giant sign planned for the new store. IKEA gets away with the largest letters ever assembled with allen keys. Wow.

What is wrong with us, seriously? IKEA? Really? Has there ever been a worse shopping experience than this Swedish labyrinth? I mean, they even serve cheese and meatbulbs at the end of this maze as a reward for entertaining the white-coated camera crew that is no doubt recording your test results from behind the  one-way glass in the giant letter "I". When compared to other cheap-junk retailers, IKEA corners the market on loyalty... and I just can't figure out why.

WalMart places its entrances and exits on one side of the store. They pile as much junk as they can fit in neat rows, place huge price tags beside them, and guard the whole place with Greeter Trolls that you're afraid to make eye contact with. WalMart will sell you ANYTHING it can. Need glasses? A haircut? A fleece sweater with a howling wolf on the front? Katy Perry CD? A giant container of cheese balls? Oil change? A cd player? Spandex? They got you covered. Easy peasy, and you know it's all cheap junk.

But IKEA? Not so fast. Walk in, and follow the arrows. You've entered our fükën store, now do what we say. Pick your junk from the display, and grab a tag. Next, just you try and get to the cash register. Follow the 2km walking arrows past everything else we sell, and you have prüven you are worthy of Swedish Inteligence Police. You may now pay. No, not for the lovely bedframe you saw on the store's showroom.

Here's a box of wood. Build it your-füking-self.

Police were called in to control traffic. Campers (Swedish for common idiots) camped out all night just to be the first in the store. Mayor Jim showed up.  It was a huge Ottawa event covered in local newspapers, and even some of the national media. Rejoice Ottawa, IKEA has built the largest store in Canada right here in Ottawa. Lucky us.

For the record though, all the stuff from the old store is the same.

Just marketed better.

1 comment: