Saturday, 19 May 2012

Light Rail Artifacts Expedition

Residents of Ottawa, rejoice! Digging for the upcoming LRT line has begun... in a parking lot near Lebreton station.

Okay, not really digging. The city is looking for "treasure" buried where John LeBreton himself once caused his own version of a land debacle back in 1820. LeBreton bought the land known as Lebreton Flats upon hearing that Lord Dalhousie was planning to route the canal from Dow's lake to the Chaudiere Falls. He tried to spin his $500 purchase into a $2500 profit, and so angered Lord Dalhousie with his brazenness that the canal was actually re-routed to its current location at a much greater cost, requiring more locks and a longer routing. In short, nothing ever changes in Ottawa politics.

In 2012, the city is digging up the past. As a Drives in Circles insider, you'll be the first to know that digging for Ottawa's artifacts in other parts of the city has secretly been ongoing for years. Here is what they have found to date:

Champlain blvd at Place d'Orleans dr

Digging began here at the once proud but now buried location of the Orleans Voyageur Strip Bar Hotel. Once the shovels got past a few brass poles and a layer of nicotine, they discovered a giant ceramic cow that was once on the roof of a local cheesery, stolen and buried by terribly offended Orleans residents back in the Great Novelty Cow Wars of 2008. Digging was then stopped for a month while Bob Monette and Rainer Bloess hired a consulting firm to figure out whether the bovine beauty belonged to Orleans or Cumberland Wards. It was decided that while the head was in Orleans, the ass belonged to Cumberland.

Once resumed, shovels unearthed the 1,722 accent aigu's that the bastard anglaises buried when they callously converted the name of the suburb from Or-lay-anns to Ohr-leeynz.

Digging then became more difficult as the shovels were subjected to harsh bumpy conditions, causing their fareboxes to rattle right out the door of the machines and their coffees to spill onto their laps. As they dug deeper, the shovels were then forced from a larger two lane hole into a single-file line, causing a prolonged shovel backup that made everyone question the inept planning of the entire dig.

Montreal rd at Alfred st

Digging for treasure in Vanier has been ongoing for 25 years, but none of the residents have actually noticed. They say that for every two traffic cones manufactured in Canada, one goes to Vanier.

Thus far, shovels have uncovered nearly six hundred 1984 Mustang 5.0's with louvered rear windows and centerline wheels, countless AC/DC, Rush, and Enuff Z'Nuff concert tees, millions of Molson dry bottles, and the broken hearts of all those schmucks who tell all their friends they live near Rockliffe.

The shovels moved from Montreal rd onto Alfred, left Montfort, right Granville, left Boudreau, right Duford, left Lavergne, right Peres Blancs, looped around, right Lavergne, left St. Monique, right Marier, left St. Genest, right St Charles... at which time the shovel operator became aware that he was actually doing the #5 route, and booked off sick.

Ogilvy rd from Jasmine cres to Montreal rd

Early excavation was promising, as the site of the old Gloucester Fair unearthed two never-heard-before-but-talked-about-as-if-we-knew-back-then Alanis albums sold when she performed at Shopper's City East.

Digging was delayed as staff were required to find homes for the 2,632 abandoned shopping carts left near Tim Tierney's office entrance.

Oh, who am I kidding. There hasn't been a shovel near that vulgar axle-busting stretch of paved black craters in nearly twenty years.

Larry's Backyard

Shovels broke ground at the secret underground location of our last mayor's backyard, and the Drives in Circles back-up cameras were rolling.

Discovered were Rumours of WarGlenn Beck, and his now defunct plans to build a giant underground grid of nuclear reactors and transit (of course). God, I wish I was making that last one up. Larry wrote out a detailed plan to create an underground "Super Grid" of nuclear reactors and transit, claiming it to be the solution to all our problems. He wrote out the entire plan on, but took it down recently, I'm guessing out of embarrassment. Click the links above. Too bad he's not embarrassed about his views on Muslims, or that whacko Glenn Beck. We elected that guy. I freaking voted for him!

 Also discovered were several rejected campaign booklets titled:

  • Zero Sometimes Means More Than Zero
  • Is Zero Even A Number? Math Guys Say It Isn't
  • One Point Five Isn't Zero But It's Closer Than Two Point Five
  • Kill Terry
  • Roll Up The Rim To Zero Or Close To It
  • What Does Mean Mean Anyway?
Museum of Science and Technology

Preliminary digging around this landmark was halted as some of the digging crew complained about the new sex exhibit and its effects on their views of sexuality. The Erectanator became a running joke as the the crew kept extending their shovels in the air, up and down, up and down, then pausing for smoke breaks.

The crew were also growing weary of explaining to tourists that the giant rocket out front is actually not part of the exhibit.

Scotiabank Place

There was actually no real reason to dig at Scotiabank place, as light rail will go nowhere near the rink anytime in the foreseeable future. However, digging at Lebreton Flats was deemed to be just too good a location and far too close to downtown (and the current transit system) to not just move the whole project to some out-of-the-way cornfield in Kanata.

Digging unearthed an Alexei Kaigerodov rookie card, the two pucks that Joe Nieuwendyk fired by Patrick Lalime's shortside, 82 non-gameworn Alexei Yashin jerseys in a box with a crumpled up contract with the words "No I wont! Yes you effing will!" scribbled across it, the entire 2002 Ottawa Senators draft, and the missing "N" from Dany Heatley's name, quashing rumours that Bryan Murray had actually shoved it up Dany's ass in anger.

Metcalfe st at Argyle ave

Excavators hit the absolute jackpot at this location. With the first shovel swipe, they uncovered the remains of a tyrannosaurus rex, a velociraptor, and a brontosaurus. It was only when they discovered the blue whale that they realized they were actually at the Museum of Nature. An apology card, along with five crates of crazy glue were sent to Meg Beckel anonymously as the digging crew pretended it wasn't them, and that it was like that when they got there.

Lansdowne Park

When the shovels broke ground in the eastern parking lot, the results were immediate. They first discovered a greenspace, then more parking lot, then a greenspace with commercial development, then a greenspace with condos, then just a parking lot, a cattle caste, no cattle castle, an exhibition, no exhibition, a huge pile of red tape, a CFL team, another CFL team, some guy named "Horn", an original letter explaining why a league would have two teams named "Rough Riders", the rest of Lonnie Glieberman's Mardi Gras beads, and Jeff Hunt's last frayed nerve.

Digging was stopped when Glebe-ites found out about it. They quickly formed a coalition to protest and block the excavation. Friends Of Under Lansdowne (FOUL) is gathering resources and soliciting support for this cause as we speak, and is also working hard to ensure that other useless time wasting roadblocks are thrown in front of other nimby projects around the Glebe. If you would like to support this FOUL cause, or any of the other countless FOUL Glebe causes, head down to Lansdowne park and blare some music from your car stereo. They will find you.

Well, that's it for now.  Have a nice long weekend, and here's hoping the city digs you up next. Who knows what you may find!