I had a moment of inspiration last night while flipping channels.
In between Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball, the Pawnathon Marathon, and the International Firefighters Games, I became a little jealous that we bus drivers don't have a competition on television. Hey, don't laugh. Exterminators, Dog the Bounty Hunters, the crab fishing guys, guys who hunt for junk in a cat-lady's home, hoarders, little princesses being pushed by mommies into pageants, Kardashians, shipping wars, tow truck guys, cops, housewives, auctioneers, pawn shop guys... they ALL have shows! It's high time we bus drivers step it up and represent!
We could go with Busing Wars, or TRANSITion Wars, or the Bells Angels... the OC (Is that taken?)
I think in the spirit of the London Games, we should put together a Bus Driver Olympics.
We could have the whole fleet line up in a beautiful display of parking precision, having each bus within an inch of the bus in front, symbolizing an unbroken chain of humanity that spans the entire city, unified as one entity, one being, one unbreakable enduring spirit... or as we Ottawan's like to call it... The Mack Bridge.
Commuter's 100 meter sprint.
Bus vs Late Commuter. The commuter must begin the race from the end of their street, dash to the platform, and points will be scored if the commuter is actually able to bang on the side of the bus for three consequitive seconds without spilling their coffee or dropping their cellphone. The bus driver scores points for his/her ability to pretend he doesn't see the commuter dashing, or banging, or the onboard passengers who are yelling “One more!”. Gold medals are awarded to commuters who train their bus drivers to stop at the end of their driveways.
Artistic Floor Tumbling
The commuter must now take the 95 through the “S” curve between St. Laurent and Train stations, while standing, without the help of a stanchion. As the bus pitches and rolls through the curve at the speed limit posted in drivers imagination, deductions will be taken off for double stepping the dismount, and falls without full rotation. Extra difficulty points may be awarded for carry-on luggage, or performing while hunting through a purse for change.
Bus Driver's 100 Question Freestyle
The bus driver must answer the exact same question up to 100 times, sometimes three or four times from the same commuter, without losing his/her mind and turning into a drooling pile of mush. Extra points will be awarded for answering the question in different styles, using different words, and non-offensive hand gestures. Points will be deducted for sarcasm.
Bus Driver's Weight Lifting
The bus driver must raise and lower the bus using the kneel switch in rapid succession until his/her finger gets tired. What? Not strenuous enough? You'd swear that switch was a 150kg weight by the reaction of some drivers when asked to use it...
Commuter's 1.8M Statue
The commuter must stand perfectly still while the bus approaches the flag, then flag down the bus at the very last possible moment in a manner that suggests the bus driver is nuts not to have stopped in the first place. Points will be deducted for premature eye contact, or any type of body language that might clue the driver in on the commuter's intentions. Extra points will be awarded for making the bus driver feel guilty.
This new take on an old sport involves throwing a 6 foot javelin with an articulated joint in the middle of it. This was originally a winter sport. However, after a light dusting of snow, it was deemed too difficult to throw the javelin up the Commissioner Hill. The Olympic Council searched all over Frisby's back lot for matching winter tires for the javelins, but decided instead that double-decker javelins were better anyway and that they'd just build outdoor storage for the articulated javelins and let 'em rust!
The commuter must use the Presto Card foil to find the precise spot on the reader that actually @#$%ing works. Try Again! No really, Try Again! That's not it! Try Again!
The commuter must guess where on Rideau street their stop will be as construction eats up the sidewalks like a hungry escalator. This has also been combined with a high-jump element as curbs are now nonexistent.
The driver must load up his bus with so many shopping carts and walkers as he/she can fit into the bus so that the entire scene looks like an episode of Hoarders. Or, as some like to call it “Wednesday on the 2, 12 and 14”, or “Synchronized Schedule Toss”. After the entire bus is full, the driver must synchronize the entire bus to move out as the lady in back with the giant oversized cart is always the first one who needs to get off.
Driver's and Commuter's Eights
In this event, the driver must drive the #8 route onto Heatherington rd, and find a way to slalom through the commuters who stand on the opposite side of the road, see him turning onto the street, dash to the that side to catch his bus, then dash back to the other side as they realize the other #8 is also coming in the other direction. Extra points can be gained by spotting the commuters waving from the apartment building entrance.
Medals will handed out for simple participation in this event, as anyone stuck on a #8, be it driver or commuter, deserves a medal.
So what do you think? It sure beats Zod the Bounty Hunter, or that guy who kills bugs! C'mon Ottawa. We'll never get a real Olympics. Ain't this the next best thing?